It's been a while since I've posted (not that anybody besides me could possibly care), and even though I don't really have anything in mind, I'm just gonna post anyway. Let my fingers fly, as it were. Actually, that's how it usually goes for me.
Back in the day I used to have this complaint that would go something like, "how cold my bed is," basically to iterate how lonely I felt. It's remained unshared, I think, mostly because honestly, I should expect my bed to be cold while I'm still a teenager. Recently it started cropping up again in my mind, because the weather is starting to go in that direction and my windows are still open a crack. I can't remember what I thought during these times when I was with someone, perhaps, "Oh I wish so-and-so was here so I would have a warm bed and sleep easier," but I don't remember ever thinking or saying that. That being said, the point isn't the temperature. It's the lack of a warm body on my bed before me.
I have no idea what would make me complain about not having something I'm not entitled to, but I think it might have something to do with how I tried to depict myself as one of those lonely romantic types, the kind that dreams of love and just waits for it to happen, which it sort of did in the form of numerous obvious opportunities presenting themselves to me.
Gall, is that ever gonna happen again? First it was all like "oh we started talking and I was like 'you're beautiful' and she was like 'no way wanna be a thing' and I was like 'sure yeah let's do it even though you're like two years older than me lol'" and then "'oh we're both in a relationship, WELL NOT ANYMORE' 'LOL let's make out'" which didn't turn out well so then "'oh thank goodness you called wanna be my rebound girl?' 'lol sure'" and that was ill-conceived so I was alone for a while and then it was like "'hey levi wanna come over so I can lay on your shoulder and then be really hesitant about holding hands with you?' 'lol sure sounds fun'". Indeed, terrible reductions of really dramatic periods of my life, but that's essentially what it was in contrast with what I'm beginning to think is TRUE love. I'm starting to realize that the only real reason I was with those girls is because they liked me, which I remain to this day convinced that that is a rare quality that needs to be treasured and rewarded.
But there are more important things to watch out for besides them liking me. Yes, that's unarguably one of the most vital traits the chosen one should have, and them not having it is probably going to be very discouraging (which is good, I guess), but I get the feeling that I deserve to be at least a teeny bit more specific than that.
I think that in my first post I said something about not having a say in what she's like, but while I'm in the mood to look at myself as a human being, let's just see what I come up with, shall we?
She needs to be intelligent. I won't have myself living with a woman that can't spell. I need to be able to have REAL conversations with her, the kind that delve into the meatier part of the human psyche where we discover things not only about each other, but about ourselves as well. But at the same time she should know when words simply don't suit the situation, she needs to know that there are times when silence says everything that needs to be said, or that expressions and physical interactions are more than enough to communicate. That being said, I don't want her to be passive aggressive. "I shouldn't have to tell you," is probably the most sickening combination of words that a woman can ever say to her husband. She needs to be able to accept that I will have a lot of non-psychic moments where I don't know exactly how to please her, and that if I did somehow know what she wanted, then indeed, she wouldn't have to ask for it. Since my ultimate goal in this life would be to please her, I don't think it would be too much for me to want that to be hers as well. (Naturally I don't mean "her ultimate goal in life is to please herself" because... that's just being smart-alecky. But sometimes I don't doubt that a girl's mind can work in that direction.) I'd really prefer someone who plays video games, but not the God-of-War kind of video games.
Okay, there's more, but, really, as I go on, it's starting to look like I just want a female version of myself. I guess it's sort of... natural...? I'm afraid that if I get anything more or less then I'll feel like I didn't get what I deserve. That makes sense.
But... what if she just happens to be different from me? What if I just happen to fall in love with and marry someone who constantly listens to music? What if she thinks that playing video games can be classified as a "habit"? What if she's one of those all-too-common psycho housewives who poison themselves with aspartame?
What am I supposed to do if I don't REALLY love my wife? Well, I suppose I shouldn't have married her in the first place, but this thought-string has really shown me the importance of really thinking about these things.
But... I'm not really a solid concept. People can change, and I'm certainly no exception. In the past I have changed my fundamental wants (and sometimes even needs) in order to make myself more compatible with whoever I was with at the time.
So... the natural conclusion is that, if I don't miraculously find my soft-cover edition (marking this as "book metaphor" in case I forget somehow), I should try to go for someone better than me, so that I improve myself in order to be more compatible with them.
And actually, speaking of girls who are better than me, one GAVE me their phone number recently. Gave. As in I didn't ask for it. That's a good sign, right? I should probably call her, but it's been like a week since she did it. I have texted her (using my email because I'm an ancient civilization), but she only answered a couple times. It's been causing me a lot of excitement lately, both good and bad. At this point, being so long without any word, it's definitely turned sour on me, but I hope I'm just being paranoid. I feel like I'm floating with a huge weight on my shoulders. Really strange.
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