it doesn't work that way

Imagine two tribes of diverse origin, each settling in a very different climate from the other. I'll call them the Ites and the Lings.
The Ites, for some reason, settle in a very dry climate with hot days and cold nights. The only source of water is a well, which the village is built around.
I actually wonder why I felt like I wanted to elaborate so much on a metaphor that doesn't need more than abstract description, but for the sake of symmetry the Lings are also a tribe of idiots that settle in a marsh.
The point is, they both have problems, and I can imagine that they would be able to develop all kinds of ways to solve them on their own, despite the absolutely bogus places they chose. Maybe they didn't have a choice. They could either live with it, or brave the wilderness again to try to find something better. For whatever reason, at least enough Ites/Lings weren't for packing up and leaving, for at least long enough to make it a place that could actually be called a village. It's called "settling". I assume it's called that for a reason. This wasn't the original point I wanted to make, but why not explore the subject since I'm on it?
No, it isn't relevant to me right now, but settling. It has a different actual definition, but with the negative connotation attached, it basically means to stick with something even though there's probably something better out there. I don't really have anything else to say about it, but the connection is still kind of cool I guess. That wasn't very much exploration.
And, well, I don't really feel like making a point either. I wanted to say that these two tribes can get on just fine on their own, but their way of life would be enhanced by the discoveries and technologies of the other, and then naturally segue into talking about relationships and why they're nice to have. But I'm not really anybody to be talking about that.
I haven't felt like proving it, but I could go at least a week without getting a word from anyone with a few very special exceptions. Although there is the dentist's office. They call to remind me of appointments. They don't need to, I remember them all pretty easily seeing as how it's pretty much the only scheduled event I've been having for I don't even want to know how long. And well, to be honest, it's just her, isn't it? And the friends she's involved with. It's like I don't exist anymore. It's like someone thought to themselves, "Hey, I don't think the universe has demonstrated quite enough times that Levi is not a 'group person', and might be better described as 'the ultimate wallflower' or 'the guy that isn't special until you start actually talking to him for a while and good luck with that because if he talks to you first he'll feel like a pest'" and then whoa it happens. I would like to find this person and have a conversation with them about all these delusions of social ostracization I'm having, and how they are related to my rapidly vanishing self-confidence.
And then the smallest voice keeps telling me that it's all temporary. I completely believe it.
But I just remembered what is probably going to slowly rise up as the most important feeling I've developed in this stage of my life.
Recently my mom told me about a business, um, excursion. It was like a convention for accountants. There was a motivational speaker, some presentations on new software or something, and even a social dance. She enjoyed going and told me all about it, but the part that stuck out the most to me was the dance. The way she put it, she really wanted to go out there and at least moonwalk, but she just felt so inhibited. When she described that event to me, I'd never felt more connected to her. That's when I started to realize that I was definitely her son.
There have been very few exceptions to this; provided that I even bother showing up at a dance, odds are, I'm not comfortable out on the floor. I have taken classes in dancing (so has my mom, in fact), so one might think that I could derive something from that, but it doesn't work that way. I learned moves and routines. I didn't learn to improvise.
I've left this post sitting incomplete too long to remember where I was going with it. But it probably had something to do with my mom's love life. She likes a guy that doesn't have the right standards. He's giving her mixed messages pretty much constantly. Reminds me of my own situation. That's all.

happy eventually

And then some time passed.
Now I'm alone again. Or at least I feel like I'm alone. I know that I'm alone right now, besides an ever-present but extremely quiet being that holds my hope in its little cupped hands, watching it closely as it quivers with every step I take, no matter the direction. A cute kind of extremely quiet. Not even a little bit awkward. Like it knows that I know that it's there, and that it will always follow me, unless I'm doing something that makes it uncomfortable. It seems perfectly content to sit or stand there behind me and just be a nice little reminder that I know what I'm supposed to do if I want to be happy. Of course I want to be happy, what is that "if" all about?
I got my patriarchal blessing. Exciting, isn't it? Who am I asking? I'm just typing to empty air again, and if I'm not, I should pretend to.
It's not really that exciting. A better word would be "comforting". I already knew my path, I think. It's just nice to know that, hey, I guess I was right about it to begin with. Go on a mission and get married. Always have enough. Ephraim, by the way, and luckily I was ready to hear that. It's not like it makes me like everyone else at all, because clearly, I'm still way different. I don't have the transcript fresh on me right now, but I'm not supposed to share everything anyway. Even if this was totally private, I have it in my desk whenever I feel like I need to study it again.
When morning comes I'm going to be making another dentist appointment. Besides complacency, my teeth have proven to be the biggest obstacle between me and my mission (although the two are related in many ways), so I found a nearby dentist (like a block away) that accepts our insurance, and I've resolved to go as frequently as possible, which has turned out to be very frequent. My second appointment came a day after my first, and I had some major problems ripped out of my jaw, which unfortunately set me on the back-burner for about two weeks to heal up and let the antibiotics start kicking in. No complaints from me though (oh except I eat way slow now but that was always a thing with me anyway) because I just want to get it out of the way. No matter how quick, though, it's going to take up a lot of time.
Even after I turn in my papers, I have to wait for them to be processed, and after I get my call, I have to wait for the actual date to come around, which could take months depending on the circumstances. Really it's my own fault for putting it off so heavily. But would anyone believe me if I said the thing that distracted me the most is the thing that also motivated me the most?
Not thing. Person. Girl. Girl I love. She made me want to get on with my life so that I could be with her, and I knew that nothing happens until I go on my mission. The problem is that I still need to feel connected and intimate. Always so afraid to let go. That's me.
I don't know the exact reasons for her not wanting me to be around anymore. Suffocating, she said, but we used to be happy when we were close. I'm completely lost. I don't understand at all. She still loves me, but it hurts her whenever I'm talking to her. All I can think about is, what changed? What did I do wrong? Can't I fix it?
I know what I did wrong. I did things she told me not to do, because it felt right at the time. I demanded too much of her time, though she used to be so pleased to give entire days to me. Every time she said "Maybe we shouldn't be together after all," I felt so desperate, I knew that that was her taking steps away from me. I can't fix it. I can't do anything.
So I let it be. It's one of those things where trying just makes it worse. I can't explain it, because I don't understand it. I never want to be away from the people I love. Maybe I would eventually, but I wouldn't know, to be honest, since whatever limit I might have hasn't been reached. Or maybe it's that there really isn't anyone else in my life. Not even friends, really. I gave up even the smallest acquaintances who demanded nothing of me. And look at me now, here I am, alone. For a while there I had some people to play games with, but it kind of looks like that didn't mean all that much. And the people I could actually physically spend time with? Gone away, on missions and such. It's like there really isn't anything else for me to do except leave, and be sure to turn the lights off and shut the door on my way out. But before I do that, there is just so much cleaning up to do. And I'm going to do it alone.
At least I have an adventure to look forward to. An adventure long enough that I might even forget what things are usually like for me, which could only be a good thing. I'm going to meet so many new people and do lots of stuff that I haven't ever done before. I'm going to have short hair and I'll have to shave every day, and exercise, and do lots of walking and moving around. I'll probably gain a lot of weight from that, and the actual eating of substantial meals. I'll be getting so much stronger in a lot of ways. Even when I come home, nothing will be the same, and thank God for that.
Back when I knew that I would be alone for a long while, I thought to myself, hey, lots of time for doing stuff that you know you need to do. Practice guitar, read, write, go on walks and stuff. I've been reading a bit, but really, who am I to kid myself like that? I just don't have any motivation to do anything. I mean, I kind of do. It's not like she wants nothing to do with me, but thinking about it is really painful. I can't use it anymore. I'll strum a few chords, feel like I'm getting better at positioning my fingers, stare out the window, and then I'll just get sad. Think, My life's not over, but it sure isn't going anywhere for a while. Reading though, that's nice. It makes me forget. It makes me make myself stop thinking about it, because I can read and be thinking about something else, but then I realize I have no idea what I just read, so I have to do it again, and actually focus on it. Watching movies and shows is even better, because there's more in front of me. The situations portrayed are things I can relate to in some way (even the songs sometimes), and so, while I do get to think about it, I do so in a positive way.
But then there's times like this, and it's great that I'm writing about it, but otherwise I just can't get it out of my head that she doesn't want me around as much anymore. She tells me to go. She says goodbye. Granted that her stress is largely situational, but how else am I supposed to feel about that? I know she means it when she says she loves me and that she still has hopes for a future together, but here I am now, why do I have to be alone like this if that's how she feels? What can I do to fix it? There's really nothing. I can't even tell her how I feel, because that would hurt her. I can't let her know that I think about her constantly and that I miss spending time with her. She told me not to. She loves me, but when I think about it, she treats me like I'm just another guy. Maybe even less than that. After all the special things we shared; like none of it ever even happened.
She just wants to be unburdened right now. That's all I know for sure. But it used to make her happy to spend time with me. What changed. What did I do wrong. Can I fix it. I can't. Just leave it.
So time passed, and now I'm by myself. That hole is still there, and it's hard for me to tell if it managed to get even bigger. No good trying to figure that one out, what with not even knowing whether or not it's empty.
You know what though? I know I'm going to end up happy eventually. I'm going to look back to this time one day and think to myself, What was I even worried about? Why didn't I just look ahead and remember the vaguest details which were way more than enough to reassure me? God loves me, and as long as I don't reject that love, how could things possibly turn out badly? After this comparatively insignificant time of loneliness, I have an eternity of love and togetherness to look forward to. Yeah, I still hope it's her, and hopefully I'll be open to other ideas as well when the time comes, and that's going to be important, because I need to listen very carefully. There's a woman out there that will be perfect for me, and I'll be perfect for her. And I'd say "God willing", but I already know that He is.

Stubbornness

Sometimes I'm not sure what to do with myself at times. Wow, what do I do? I write, I guess.
What a great way to start a post. Good job with that.

Seriously though. There's been a lot going on, which is always the conclusion when I take the time to examine my life. It's a lot more eventful than I realize sometimes.
But the thing is, a lot of what's going on is just happening through conversations over the internet. It's weird to think how much of what seems relevant to me is something as minuscule as words on a screen, but here we are anyway.
To be fair, words can be only the surface on a great hill of context. This might be where I provide an example, but I know what I'm generally talking about here.
It's not the words, I guess. It's the reason you're reading them that really matters. Words come from a lot of places. They can be either read or heard (or both). They're just combinations of sounds, or letters representing certain sounds. Our culture is initially what gives any meaning to all these patterns. Our parents teach us first, and then we learn from everywhere else what all the noise means.
We can communicate at all, isn't that a bit of a miracle?
But before I start to sound more presumptuous than I already do, let's talk about the thing that actually matters. Things plural, maybe.
Isn't it interesting how education, the supposed expansion of our knowledge, can make us so close-minded about things? We're taught a certain way of things, and suddenly we believe that that way is the only way or at least the best way. I think we can extrapolate here and just say that there are many ways to reach many things. But then there's religion. Most of our religions state that there is only one way to achieve its prescribed reward. How could this possibly be correct? How can millions of people be expected to follow the exact same protocol for salvation or enlightenment? No matter how malleable the methods, it must certainly lock out a few people who are just unable to make the necessary psychological developments required of them. Maybe they're too stupid, maybe their instincts were affected in some way during their early childhood, maybe some kind of trauma drives them away from what would normally be a tantalizing spiritual experience. What if their mother didn't hug them enough? What if she hugged them too much? The root problem is that a lot of people don't realize that they're in complete control of themselves, or that they relinquished this control to some unseen inner force long ago. Why would anyone ever let go like that?
It's really one of the greatest tragedies in life, because it's one that doesn't have to happen. Sometimes two people will be completely incompatible with each other in every way! Something like that could only happen if both of them refuse to accept that they are a fluid concept, a persona that changes in interesting ways depending on what is around them. Not only that, but a stubborn individual is missing countless opportunities to become... BETTER, to put it simply. Not the best term, I guess. Who can really say who is better than another person, even if they're only separated by time? Are you better than you used to be just because people can stand to talk to you for five minutes, or if you do the dishes more often, or you are more generous with your money? You can. You're the one who says. Even though there doesn't seem to be a perfect answer, that's the closest we're getting.
This is a fascinating subject that I'd love to expand on, but I'm still dancing around the point.
(Hey thanks me a month ago! How am I supposed to remember what the point was if you never actually typed it down? It's okay. I can guess. Also you'll never read this anyway. Or you will... in a month from now as you're typing it. Darn, now I feel stupid. Sorry, self.)
I think the point was that I'm getting in to too much of this internet drama crap. How can I even be taking it all seriously? What is stopping me from just disconnecting myself for a while? I think the answer there is that I'm kind of pathetic in a way. I can put it plainly. These people need my help. If I wasn't there, who knows what kind of anarchy would be going on, what vicious cycles they would be going through? I give myself too much credit. I'm just so tangled up in all of this. Emotions are involved.
There's a girl who lives far away. After talking to her for awhile, telling her about myself and my experiences, even showing her this blog, she told me she loves me.
She said she'd give up on love if it couldn't be me. So young, and I took it seriously? She even sent me a wonderful gift that I'm going to be hard-pressed to return the sentiment for.
Here's the truth: I felt obligated. There was too much pressure. The thought of hurting her, the thought of seeming ungrateful; I just couldn't stand it.
Truly, if there was only one thing between me and the nature of God, it would be His ability to allow people to suffer temporarily. (Surely plenty more than that, but that's the big one.)
I can't just rush in somewhere believing that things will change for the better as I do so. I wrote earlier about the stubbornness of many people and things. The world won't change for you, no matter how hard you try to alter your perception. That would be my stubbornness, I guess. There were friends I couldn't ignore.
What happened? I just couldn't change. There are things about me that either aren't fluid anymore, or that I believe shouldn't be. I believe in loyalty between lovers, fidelity based on rules that can't be specified by the couple. Not even rules; it's just the way things are meant to be. You can't give all of yourself to more than one person. There is nothing in this world worth defying that law for, nor is it really possible to defy. Feel free to try, if you don't mind misery.
I ended it because everyone was miserable. Now things are better. I've learned that you can't force yourself to love someone; the idea is quite burnt into my brain now.
There is a girl that I love, and I should not have tried not to. I told her the truth, and it made both of us happy.

So selfish of me...

Okay, seriously. Something I really want to know.
Why do people bother with a temporary relationship?
What was I supposed to do?
Make it a self-fulfilling prophecy or something? That would have been stupid.
Make the most of it? That would have been selfish. Even though I sort of tried to do that. But only sort of. It's what I resolved to do, even though I never had the chance. People told me it was normal. What the heck is wrong with said people? They definitely don't know what they're talking about.
So what really happened? I rode it out.
I'm not stupid, so I'm not going to pretend that I couldn't have made it last longer. Anyone who ends up reading this, take it from me: As soon as you stop being amazing, you are giving them time to think about why they don't want to be with you. Whether or not this REALLY had anything to do with what happened with me, it's true.
That's what making the most of it means, right? Dragging it out for as long as possible? Man, did I fall short of that.
But right now, I have a devil of a toothache. I can't be expected to text someone for the better part of the day when I have to actually worry about making myself comfortable enough to not be in agony.
Let's be real, though.
I'll fess up to it. Despite my recent shortcomings probably having to do with it ending now of all times, I wasn't all that into it either. I just wanted someone, it didn't really matter who. It's really hard for me to admit to that. So selfish of me...
Should I tell myself that I should only be with a girl that I know I really love? After everything I've been through, will I even be able to recognize the feeling? I guess I could say that if I don't know for sure, it isn't it. I don't think I've felt real love before, but I'm confident that I'll recognize it like an old friend, should I ever find it.
I do need to keep an open mind, though. Do you realize how many lonely and beautiful women there are, all over the world? At least one of them probably thinks that I'm the best (and isn't also insane in some way)!