happy eventually

And then some time passed.
Now I'm alone again. Or at least I feel like I'm alone. I know that I'm alone right now, besides an ever-present but extremely quiet being that holds my hope in its little cupped hands, watching it closely as it quivers with every step I take, no matter the direction. A cute kind of extremely quiet. Not even a little bit awkward. Like it knows that I know that it's there, and that it will always follow me, unless I'm doing something that makes it uncomfortable. It seems perfectly content to sit or stand there behind me and just be a nice little reminder that I know what I'm supposed to do if I want to be happy. Of course I want to be happy, what is that "if" all about?
I got my patriarchal blessing. Exciting, isn't it? Who am I asking? I'm just typing to empty air again, and if I'm not, I should pretend to.
It's not really that exciting. A better word would be "comforting". I already knew my path, I think. It's just nice to know that, hey, I guess I was right about it to begin with. Go on a mission and get married. Always have enough. Ephraim, by the way, and luckily I was ready to hear that. It's not like it makes me like everyone else at all, because clearly, I'm still way different. I don't have the transcript fresh on me right now, but I'm not supposed to share everything anyway. Even if this was totally private, I have it in my desk whenever I feel like I need to study it again.
When morning comes I'm going to be making another dentist appointment. Besides complacency, my teeth have proven to be the biggest obstacle between me and my mission (although the two are related in many ways), so I found a nearby dentist (like a block away) that accepts our insurance, and I've resolved to go as frequently as possible, which has turned out to be very frequent. My second appointment came a day after my first, and I had some major problems ripped out of my jaw, which unfortunately set me on the back-burner for about two weeks to heal up and let the antibiotics start kicking in. No complaints from me though (oh except I eat way slow now but that was always a thing with me anyway) because I just want to get it out of the way. No matter how quick, though, it's going to take up a lot of time.
Even after I turn in my papers, I have to wait for them to be processed, and after I get my call, I have to wait for the actual date to come around, which could take months depending on the circumstances. Really it's my own fault for putting it off so heavily. But would anyone believe me if I said the thing that distracted me the most is the thing that also motivated me the most?
Not thing. Person. Girl. Girl I love. She made me want to get on with my life so that I could be with her, and I knew that nothing happens until I go on my mission. The problem is that I still need to feel connected and intimate. Always so afraid to let go. That's me.
I don't know the exact reasons for her not wanting me to be around anymore. Suffocating, she said, but we used to be happy when we were close. I'm completely lost. I don't understand at all. She still loves me, but it hurts her whenever I'm talking to her. All I can think about is, what changed? What did I do wrong? Can't I fix it?
I know what I did wrong. I did things she told me not to do, because it felt right at the time. I demanded too much of her time, though she used to be so pleased to give entire days to me. Every time she said "Maybe we shouldn't be together after all," I felt so desperate, I knew that that was her taking steps away from me. I can't fix it. I can't do anything.
So I let it be. It's one of those things where trying just makes it worse. I can't explain it, because I don't understand it. I never want to be away from the people I love. Maybe I would eventually, but I wouldn't know, to be honest, since whatever limit I might have hasn't been reached. Or maybe it's that there really isn't anyone else in my life. Not even friends, really. I gave up even the smallest acquaintances who demanded nothing of me. And look at me now, here I am, alone. For a while there I had some people to play games with, but it kind of looks like that didn't mean all that much. And the people I could actually physically spend time with? Gone away, on missions and such. It's like there really isn't anything else for me to do except leave, and be sure to turn the lights off and shut the door on my way out. But before I do that, there is just so much cleaning up to do. And I'm going to do it alone.
At least I have an adventure to look forward to. An adventure long enough that I might even forget what things are usually like for me, which could only be a good thing. I'm going to meet so many new people and do lots of stuff that I haven't ever done before. I'm going to have short hair and I'll have to shave every day, and exercise, and do lots of walking and moving around. I'll probably gain a lot of weight from that, and the actual eating of substantial meals. I'll be getting so much stronger in a lot of ways. Even when I come home, nothing will be the same, and thank God for that.
Back when I knew that I would be alone for a long while, I thought to myself, hey, lots of time for doing stuff that you know you need to do. Practice guitar, read, write, go on walks and stuff. I've been reading a bit, but really, who am I to kid myself like that? I just don't have any motivation to do anything. I mean, I kind of do. It's not like she wants nothing to do with me, but thinking about it is really painful. I can't use it anymore. I'll strum a few chords, feel like I'm getting better at positioning my fingers, stare out the window, and then I'll just get sad. Think, My life's not over, but it sure isn't going anywhere for a while. Reading though, that's nice. It makes me forget. It makes me make myself stop thinking about it, because I can read and be thinking about something else, but then I realize I have no idea what I just read, so I have to do it again, and actually focus on it. Watching movies and shows is even better, because there's more in front of me. The situations portrayed are things I can relate to in some way (even the songs sometimes), and so, while I do get to think about it, I do so in a positive way.
But then there's times like this, and it's great that I'm writing about it, but otherwise I just can't get it out of my head that she doesn't want me around as much anymore. She tells me to go. She says goodbye. Granted that her stress is largely situational, but how else am I supposed to feel about that? I know she means it when she says she loves me and that she still has hopes for a future together, but here I am now, why do I have to be alone like this if that's how she feels? What can I do to fix it? There's really nothing. I can't even tell her how I feel, because that would hurt her. I can't let her know that I think about her constantly and that I miss spending time with her. She told me not to. She loves me, but when I think about it, she treats me like I'm just another guy. Maybe even less than that. After all the special things we shared; like none of it ever even happened.
She just wants to be unburdened right now. That's all I know for sure. But it used to make her happy to spend time with me. What changed. What did I do wrong. Can I fix it. I can't. Just leave it.
So time passed, and now I'm by myself. That hole is still there, and it's hard for me to tell if it managed to get even bigger. No good trying to figure that one out, what with not even knowing whether or not it's empty.
You know what though? I know I'm going to end up happy eventually. I'm going to look back to this time one day and think to myself, What was I even worried about? Why didn't I just look ahead and remember the vaguest details which were way more than enough to reassure me? God loves me, and as long as I don't reject that love, how could things possibly turn out badly? After this comparatively insignificant time of loneliness, I have an eternity of love and togetherness to look forward to. Yeah, I still hope it's her, and hopefully I'll be open to other ideas as well when the time comes, and that's going to be important, because I need to listen very carefully. There's a woman out there that will be perfect for me, and I'll be perfect for her. And I'd say "God willing", but I already know that He is.