Stubbornness

Sometimes I'm not sure what to do with myself at times. Wow, what do I do? I write, I guess.
What a great way to start a post. Good job with that.

Seriously though. There's been a lot going on, which is always the conclusion when I take the time to examine my life. It's a lot more eventful than I realize sometimes.
But the thing is, a lot of what's going on is just happening through conversations over the internet. It's weird to think how much of what seems relevant to me is something as minuscule as words on a screen, but here we are anyway.
To be fair, words can be only the surface on a great hill of context. This might be where I provide an example, but I know what I'm generally talking about here.
It's not the words, I guess. It's the reason you're reading them that really matters. Words come from a lot of places. They can be either read or heard (or both). They're just combinations of sounds, or letters representing certain sounds. Our culture is initially what gives any meaning to all these patterns. Our parents teach us first, and then we learn from everywhere else what all the noise means.
We can communicate at all, isn't that a bit of a miracle?
But before I start to sound more presumptuous than I already do, let's talk about the thing that actually matters. Things plural, maybe.
Isn't it interesting how education, the supposed expansion of our knowledge, can make us so close-minded about things? We're taught a certain way of things, and suddenly we believe that that way is the only way or at least the best way. I think we can extrapolate here and just say that there are many ways to reach many things. But then there's religion. Most of our religions state that there is only one way to achieve its prescribed reward. How could this possibly be correct? How can millions of people be expected to follow the exact same protocol for salvation or enlightenment? No matter how malleable the methods, it must certainly lock out a few people who are just unable to make the necessary psychological developments required of them. Maybe they're too stupid, maybe their instincts were affected in some way during their early childhood, maybe some kind of trauma drives them away from what would normally be a tantalizing spiritual experience. What if their mother didn't hug them enough? What if she hugged them too much? The root problem is that a lot of people don't realize that they're in complete control of themselves, or that they relinquished this control to some unseen inner force long ago. Why would anyone ever let go like that?
It's really one of the greatest tragedies in life, because it's one that doesn't have to happen. Sometimes two people will be completely incompatible with each other in every way! Something like that could only happen if both of them refuse to accept that they are a fluid concept, a persona that changes in interesting ways depending on what is around them. Not only that, but a stubborn individual is missing countless opportunities to become... BETTER, to put it simply. Not the best term, I guess. Who can really say who is better than another person, even if they're only separated by time? Are you better than you used to be just because people can stand to talk to you for five minutes, or if you do the dishes more often, or you are more generous with your money? You can. You're the one who says. Even though there doesn't seem to be a perfect answer, that's the closest we're getting.
This is a fascinating subject that I'd love to expand on, but I'm still dancing around the point.
(Hey thanks me a month ago! How am I supposed to remember what the point was if you never actually typed it down? It's okay. I can guess. Also you'll never read this anyway. Or you will... in a month from now as you're typing it. Darn, now I feel stupid. Sorry, self.)
I think the point was that I'm getting in to too much of this internet drama crap. How can I even be taking it all seriously? What is stopping me from just disconnecting myself for a while? I think the answer there is that I'm kind of pathetic in a way. I can put it plainly. These people need my help. If I wasn't there, who knows what kind of anarchy would be going on, what vicious cycles they would be going through? I give myself too much credit. I'm just so tangled up in all of this. Emotions are involved.
There's a girl who lives far away. After talking to her for awhile, telling her about myself and my experiences, even showing her this blog, she told me she loves me.
She said she'd give up on love if it couldn't be me. So young, and I took it seriously? She even sent me a wonderful gift that I'm going to be hard-pressed to return the sentiment for.
Here's the truth: I felt obligated. There was too much pressure. The thought of hurting her, the thought of seeming ungrateful; I just couldn't stand it.
Truly, if there was only one thing between me and the nature of God, it would be His ability to allow people to suffer temporarily. (Surely plenty more than that, but that's the big one.)
I can't just rush in somewhere believing that things will change for the better as I do so. I wrote earlier about the stubbornness of many people and things. The world won't change for you, no matter how hard you try to alter your perception. That would be my stubbornness, I guess. There were friends I couldn't ignore.
What happened? I just couldn't change. There are things about me that either aren't fluid anymore, or that I believe shouldn't be. I believe in loyalty between lovers, fidelity based on rules that can't be specified by the couple. Not even rules; it's just the way things are meant to be. You can't give all of yourself to more than one person. There is nothing in this world worth defying that law for, nor is it really possible to defy. Feel free to try, if you don't mind misery.
I ended it because everyone was miserable. Now things are better. I've learned that you can't force yourself to love someone; the idea is quite burnt into my brain now.
There is a girl that I love, and I should not have tried not to. I told her the truth, and it made both of us happy.